I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
