life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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