I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
