Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
