got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
why do cheetos always look like penises
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
Randomize
