I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
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He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
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when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
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