youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
It's not even noon and I've had 3 people call me a savage, one of them said it in reference to the blow job I gave them. So I guess you could say it's going to be a good weekend
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
Randomize
