She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
