so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
Randomize
