Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
People in love make me want to vomit
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
so like what it comes down to is do I wanna look like a boss ass bitch or do I wanna masturbate.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize
