I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
On the one year anniversary of me loosing my virginity... thousands of people will be taking their pants of on subways all around the world
It's like a tribute to you being a slut
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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