Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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