remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
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She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
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He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
You know what...ii have the turtles...were together....i love these god damn turtles...
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