I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
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