Your mouth is God's brothel.
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
