A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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