i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I convinced a girl making out is a secret handshake
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
