Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Randomize
