remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
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we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
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I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
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