oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
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they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
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It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
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