dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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