Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Randomize
