Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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