That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
