he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
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