Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
