fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The more I look at him the more I wonder why anyone would ever want any of his features to be a part of their childs face.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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