So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
