carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
Randomize
