You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Is it possible for mice to climb? If so I think mice are climbing into my bed in the night and playing with my hair..
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
