The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
