i turned job hunting into a drinking game..
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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