i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
