I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
