the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
No. I remember how loud you used to get. Trust me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
Randomize
