I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
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We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
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I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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