You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
So you're telling me it's impossible to have a "slight case" of chlamydia?
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Randomize
