Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
