I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
