you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
be right there i have to get my cape
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
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