and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Are you doing that thing where you're convinced I made a terrible decision
Daily.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Banged a guy with 2 broken arms once. Top that
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
