i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
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