I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Are u guys proud? I puked my brains out last night at a strip club. While my two fave strippèrs held my hair
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
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