Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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