I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Randomize
