Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Randomize
