if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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