wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
he called me 'mate' and i had to remind him that you dont call people mate who continously make your dick hard
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Randomize
