i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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