The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Found your dick twin last night
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
Randomize
