Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
I need a vacation from myself..this is duely noted after I tried giving myself a concussion last night
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
