Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
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