I will die if light touches me.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
No i dont need a babysitter i have my cats. Cats can dial 911 ya know
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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