Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
