so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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